Brain Milk

Recently, I heard the phrase "what you think about the most becomes your higher power."  I don't believe in 'god' and never will. But I think this is less about 'god' as a higher power than about what you serve on a subconscious level.  Like, the things you think about most get the most of your energy. So: you serve them.  Naturally, then, my brain began a frantic search to find out what this means for me. A scan through my recent thoughts. Trying to remember them. It was like I was in school again, my sociologically-trained mind scanning and sorting them into concepts, overarching themes. I pictured my brain colour coding. Highlighting. Chewing on its pencil. Terrified I might not like what I find. Conclusion? Fear.  I live in fear.   Fear is my higher power.  (How do you think I felt when I realized this?) What a freaking sob story, though. Like I'm special or different from everyone else in the world whose brain feeds them "oof, shouldn't ...

I wrote this in early 2021. I re-read it (and edited it) today. It all still holds (mostly) true (surprisingly)(lol).  This is a checkpoint. I'm trying to use this in place of "finding myself," which I believe to be an endless task of scrambling through life unsatisfied with every version of myself that comes into fruition. I've just now decided that establishing consistent checkpoints feels more right than self-discovery as this be-all-end-all-final-true self. I believe I do, of course, have a true self, but that self doesn't necessarily need finding - it is always there. It's just a matter of whether I choose to listen to it or ignore it. And that truth is also bending and curving and growing and breaking and consistently changing with my learning and experiencing of the world and people around me and the things I decide to do to fill my time. I hurt it and nurture it depending on the day, but, at its core, no matter how I treat it, it is an unwavering, soli...