My higher power

Recently, I heard the phrase "what you think about the most becomes your higher power." 

I don't believe in 'god' and never will. But I think this is less about 'god' as a higher power than about what you serve on a subconscious level. 

Like, the things you think about most get the most of your energy. So: you serve them. 

Naturally, then, my brain began a frantic search to find out what this means for me. A scan through my recent thoughts. Trying to remember them. It was like I was in school again, my sociologically-trained mind scanning and sorting them into concepts, overarching themes. I pictured my brain colour coding. Highlighting. Chewing on its pencil. Terrified I might not like what I find.

Conclusion?

Fear. 

I live in fear.  

Fear is my higher power. 

(How do you think I felt when I realized this?)

What a freaking sob story, though. Like I'm special or different from everyone else in the world whose brain feeds them "oof, shouldn't have said that" "what if they thought you were weird?" "you'll never be xyz" "you're not smart enough to do that" on an incessant loop? 

It's so common that it's hardly even worth writing about. It's called anxiety, and I've been pals with anxiety my entire life. Far before I knew its name or that it is separate from me.

I very clearly remember my first panic attack ever even though, at the time, barely knew it was happening. Second grade, I had done my homework assignment wrong. I cut and glued. The other kids simply wrote. How could I have missed that? How could I be so stupid? I'm sick to my stomach. I'm lightheaded and frozen and tears form behind my eyes. I'm praying that I will cease to exist. Just a moment. 

I overhear my teacher on the phone with my parent "I don't think she's really sick. She just feels bad that she did the assignment wrong. She doesn't need to go home." I'm terrified.

Fear is how I've stayed safe. If I'm scared of things, I won't do them. I'll never have to experience discomfort, pain, sadness, if I just stay small, afraid, quiet. 

I have willingly, wholeheartedly sold my soul to fear. It is an omnipresent force in my life. 

So like, cool. What do I do with this information?

I have no idea. 

If I could just change my thoughts, that would be sweet. If it were that easy, I could have said to my second grade self, "well, the instructions on the homework sheet specifically said cut and paste, and so you cut along the scissor-iconed dotted line - what else should you have done? If the teacher had instructed the class to write the words rather than cut and paste, you must have missed it. It's not your fault, just pay more attention next time and ask for clarification when needed. You still did the thing." 

And then I could have gone about my day playing marbles or whatever and not died and somewhere along the way subconsciously learned that these types of situations are, in fact, not going to kill me. 

I could have grown up and understood that I actually do, in fact, possess inherent self-worth and that mistakes are a part of the process of learning, etc. etc. 

But idk, that seems like a lot of emotional intelligence to expect of a seven-year-old. 

The issue is, by the time I realized that this was anxiety and not just my personality, the fear had embedded itself into my everyday life. I'd given it a home, the master suite, food, water, a nice comfy couch, and a loud-ass microphone feeding straight into my developing mind. 

Can you just evict fear? 

What I (of course) had never realized along the way is that fear's voice could not have been my own. It never can. There must have been something (things) feeding their thoughts, opinions, beliefs, expectations, etc. etc. etc. of me through a loud-ass microphone into fear's brain in some kind of weird inceptiony fear-based telephone game. 

Fear has just been the messenger all along. 

So, okay. Maybe fear doesn't need to be evicted. Poor thing. Maybe what it does need is a warm bath, a cozy bed, some peppermint tea.

...no more microphone privileges. 

Fear is just a small, scared feeling who was given a job that is WAY beyond its paygrade. It's just super underqualified for the management position. The higher power position.

It's time to promote someone else, I guess.

All this to say: I'm aware that this is not groundbreaking stuff. I'm just here doing my best to come to terms with fear's place in my life (after all, we have history), while understanding that its voice is not trustworthy. Idk which voice IS trustworthy, but I'm guessing I won't find it by fulfilling fear's safety agenda.

So, I'm off to figure that out. Easy! 

BYE